i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
