Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
