It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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