if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I forget how to act sober
Randomize