if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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