I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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