I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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