It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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