mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
