And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
