She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
