someone get that fucking seahorse.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize