kristin has been a bad kristin
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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