soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize