Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize