Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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