I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
