Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize