How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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