She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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