i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
