Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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