Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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