Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
