have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
