He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize