I have demons in me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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