i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
