if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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