Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
