Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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