I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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