a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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