WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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