you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
