I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
