I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
