he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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