I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
