walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
