A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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