what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
