no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
