I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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