I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
