the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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