Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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