I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
