He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
