don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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