She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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