i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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