Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
bring money and cleavage
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
