She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
