After last night, I could never be a politician.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
