Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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