I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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