i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
