if i can run in heels then i can drive
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize