Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
