I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
