1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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