Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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