you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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