mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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