not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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