census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
