she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
